England.  There’s something unique about this word, about this country.  It sounds perfect, kingdom-ish… it fact; it sounds very English.  When I say England, it comes with that cute and polite accent. (Okay, perhaps, this accent isn’t really mine, but it sounds pretty good… when it resonates in my head.)

In French, we would say Angleterre which refers to “la Terre des Anglais”, “La terre Anglaise”… And if you don’t speak French; the English Land…

See the link here. I should have been a history teacher.

Ahem.

Anyway.

I recently moved to England.  If England rhymes with thousands of cup of teas, a red phone box and the Queen, I’m certainly not the right person to speak out loud about it.

The truth is; firstly, I drink black tea. Isn’t it easier that way? I hate the idea of having milk or sugar in my tea.  Secondly, I currently live in the countryside, but I’m really excited about those red phone boxes.  I didn’t manage to get any pictures of them yet.  Why not, you may ask?  Well.  Let’s say that I’m so far from the touristy path that it would look very weird to start a photo-shoot next to this gorgeous old phone box here.  Thirdly, I don’t really know anything about the Queen, but I know her name is Elizabeth.  Well.  I hope so, because I wouldn’t like to offend you.

There are lots of things that surprise me here.

There are lots of things I wouldn’t dare say to English people.

There are lots of things I’d love the government to know. (Hold on.  Is the Queen in charge?) (Excuse my French. And my sarcasm.)

Kind note: If you’re getting mad… remember, it could always be worse; you could be one of those celebrities in the Australian jungle.

Please, England, enlighten me.  I need answers.

 

 

1. Why would I like to know where’s the closest crematorium?

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Crematoriums… everywhere.

Is life trying to send me signs here?

I mean.  Should I feel in danger?

Is a crematorium supposed to be an awful tourist trap?

 

2. Why would I eat beans on my toast?

Why would you do that?

It looks like the English version of a Mac and cheese.

It doesn’t smell right.  It doesn’t look right.  And it doesn’t look better with cheese on top of it.

For security reasons (most of my readers are from the United States), I can’t publish a picture of beans on toast here.

 

3. Why would I even consider dipping my French Toast (this is what you call an eggy bread) in barbecue sauce?

I dare you.  This is an insult.

England is probably the only place in the world where they prefer brown sauce or tomato sauce than maple syrup.

I’m surprised you guys haven’t thought about dipping it in curry sauce yet. #JustSaying

 

Visit England

 

4. What happened to the F*U.N. words?

No rudeness allowed.  So, please, use your imagination here.

I don’t exactly know how it happened; but somehow, my “Oh my God” turned into “Oh Dear”.

 

5. Why should I pay for parking?

You don’t only pay for parking on the streets here.  You pay for parking everywhere.

Well, this is only if you manage to find a parking space.

Dear residents of the world, did you know that in England, it’s pretty normal to order your grocerys online?

Oh dear.

 

Visit England

 

6. Who created those tiny roads?

Enjoy my little exercise:

Think of a tiny road.

Dude, this is way too big.

Make it tinier. Almost there.

Think about a one way street, without the spaces to park, but cars still park there anyway.  And this is it. Welcome to England.

Hold on. You need to wait to let that car go first. Off you go.

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Not quite convinced? Check out this article about driving in England!

 

7. Is there a drama between Mother Nature and the Queen that I don’t know about?

We all know what the weather is like in England, right? It’s grey. Especially at this time of the year. The sun uses its super bright light powers and somehow, the heat gets lost.

So, what happened?  It feels like the sky is having strong PMS issues. Oh. There it is, it’s crying again.

 

Visit England

 

8. Seriously, Emmerdale?

Between British humour and bad adverts, there’s Emmerdale.

It’s like watching “Les feux de l’amour”. Or what you call The Young and the restless.

I thought I could replace Home and Away when I left Australia…  But this isn’t good enough.  Fact; This isn’t good at all.

 

9. Don’t worry, I’m alright. Do I look like I’m not?

After the Australian “how’s it going mate”, the Canadian “what’s up?”, and Joey’s famous “how you doing?”, I’m still struggling with the “you alright?”.  The constant “you alright” makes me doubt myself.  I’m wondering if my face is actually trying to send distress signals without me acknowledging it.

Oh.  Am I developing a crematorium phobia?

 

10. What did I do to you? I deserve Fish ‘N’ Chips on Sundays.

How on Earth can you shut a chip shop on Sunday?  I get it; Sunday is still sexy in England.

What if I’m craving gravy next Sunday?

This is torture.  I thought we were in 2016, not in the Middle-Ages.

Well.  Looks like I was wrong.

 

Lincoln England

 

11. Why does it look cheap when it isn’t?

Dear British Pound,

You are the most annoying thing here.  Everything looks so cheap in GBP…

But, nothing’s really cheap in England.

The fuel is ridiculously expensive.

And the train. And the parking. And the food. And the rent. And the winter jacket…

Please, -insert everything you wish to be cheaper here-.

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And suddenly, I realized that GBP meant Great British Problems.

 

12. Half of the population is struggling. Why’s that?

A lot of people are living on the edge financially.  The cost of living is so expensive and wages are not high enough to live a “great” life.

A lot of people are trapped in a life that they don’t really want; a result of this brutal economy.

A lot of people can’t have control of their own life, because money gives you all the power you need.  So, if you’re struggling with money, you simply lose that power and this beautiful concept that we preciously call freedom.

 

England.  There’s something unique about this word, about this country.

It sounds perfect, kingdom-ish…

It also rhymes with Brexit.

And I won’t comment on this.

England, I know I don’t understand all of your British twists.

Although, I know one thing; you do look great.

I wish you could feel as good as you look.

 

Love,

Melissa, Temporary Engl-Ish.

 

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