“It’s easier going away than coming home.”
Post-Travel Depression / Travel Blues / Insert your own travel struggle with a hint of reality here; Can I avoid one of these harsh diagnostics this time?
I booked it a while ago. I wanted to go home for a bit before I hit the other side of the planet again.
I’m writing those lines as I’m on my way. The journey would be a long one.
I’ll have a lot of time to think.
Is that a good thing? I doubt it.
I said it a few times on Facebook. My family and just a few friends knew it already from the beginning. Oh and my hairdresser. Because going home also means I’ll get to do something with this crazy hair of mine.
Every time, it’s a bit of a surprise. After nearly 3 years abroad, some old friends still want to see me knowing I’m not planning to stay.
Of course there are the ones I talk to regularly. And there are the others.
I haven’t seen them last year. Or perhaps I realized our paths were too different and it seemed pointless to keep in touch.
I don’t know why they would like to see me. If they don’t even bother keeping in touch regularly. But it makes me feel like I’m special. And awkward. I can’t be bothered, is that bad?
Am I a bad person if I’d rather spend my precious days in Canada with the ones who truly matter to me?
Going home makes me feel guilty. I’m feeling weird about having to deal with affirmation.
I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to disappoint. I just want them to forget I exist? Oh this does sound quite bad, doesn’t it?
Somehow, some people miss me.
Did I miss them?
Rationally I can quickly say huh yeah?!
But deeply, I’m still asking myself. Did I? Miss them?
Living far away , traveling non stop became my lifestyle and I guess I’m getting better at handling distance?
Mel, is that a no? Really?
But I could say a lot of things about the food though. I missed the food. So. Much. I can’t wait to have a poutine. To go to Tim Horton. Or to eat normal bacon.
I’m looking forward to eating my favorite candies, to have bagels every morning and to dive into that bag of Pickle Chips. And these Sun Chips too, please!
I’m hoping I can have enough maple syrup to keep living my life without it for at least another year.
And yeah I’m hoping I won’t leave with another 7 extra pounds this time.
Did I just use more words to describe how much I missed the food than some of my friendships.
See, I’m a bad person.
Going home is also being slapped in the face. Realizing how much I missed.
How much people move on.
People have stronger roots or even a family.
And people look different.
It makes me feel emotional. Guilty. Excited.
Then I analyze my lack of contacts and I try to find excuses.
Was it my fault? Or was it just what life is all about?
Because, yeah it seems fair to blame life on this one.
And yet i can also feel the disappointment, the tears when I’ll leave again. The surprise on their face when I’d say something like… I don’t want to live in Canada. (And it’s not because the boyfriend doesn’t want to. He is always trying to convince me.)
I don’t want roots. I don’t want a boring life. And here I feel like I have to explain myself again.
I’m not judging your life. But, I do prefer mine. A lack of new stimulation simply makes me depressed, bored. And you simply don’t want to see this version of me.
And I feel bad. Because I know how my mum is lonely. I know she will be heartbroken when I leave again.
And my Dad. He will try to convince me that Canada is great and that my hometown is even better. I know that Dad. I don’t need to be convinced. Although, you might have to convince me about this quiet and boring hometown though.
If I don’t understand their lifestyle, I know it’s hard to understand my choices too.
And my sister. She got engaged. She moved out. And she looks pretty happy. We’re not getting any younger. I wish I could help her planning her wedding. But I know I won’t be there to help her out. I’ll be back in time for the magical day though.
And my two steps sisters. Let’s call them sisters. They are growing up too. Wow. Time flies by. And I missed a lot there too.
Do I miss them? Now, I do.
I’m looking forward to see my family and close friends. I’m looking forward to introduce you to my favorite family member, my partner, my boyfriend and surely my best friend. I know he is English but please forgive him.
He’s my family now. Beyond borders. And having him around me makes me feel like home wherever I could be.
I’m here now. And despite all the awkwardness I can feel on a daily basis, I’m happy to share these meals with you, to sing my favorite songs in French and to hear all those jokes again.
Hey, Oh. Somehow, I missed this.